


Honey, You're Rubbing Me Up The Wrong Way.

by AnotherPhanficWriter



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Dan Howell Is Not A YouTuber, Dan is a police officer, Flirting, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, No Smut, One Shot, Phil Lester Is Not A YouTuber, Phil is a bit of a nudist, Police, Public Nudity, Quick Read, Scotland, lots of flirting, no actual smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-31
Updated: 2019-03-31
Packaged: 2019-12-29 18:39:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,374
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18299819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnotherPhanficWriter/pseuds/AnotherPhanficWriter
Summary: Phil decides to walk from one end of the country to the other, completely naked.He gets as far as Scotland before one particular officer keeps stopping him.(That officer has curly brown hair, brown eyes and the cutest dimples).





	Honey, You're Rubbing Me Up The Wrong Way.

**Author's Note:**

> It's been a while, pumped this out when I was taking a break from uni and it is based on true people. The Naked Rambler was someone who walked around naked but that's as far as true shit goes really. I hope you enjoy this otherwise rushed fic I made to quench my phan thirst.

Phil wasn't what the media had been calling him. He wasn't a sex pest, pervert or a peeping tom. 

He was just going about his day as nature intended. Yes, he was starkers and had plans to walk from London all the way to Scotland. Apparently, some people didn't agree with his naked butt walking down country lanes at the crack of dawn, but(t) Phil could do what he wanted.

He was an adult with no responsibilities. Except when the law got involved. 

He had crossed England with no qualms! No one batted an eyelid; his hat, socks, shoes and coat clearly being enough clothing for these well-mannered civilians he walked past on his travels.

And yes, he took breaks. He wasn't insane, at least not from his perspective. No one had clothes in the 11th century he's sure. Everyone was completely naked, so why was the human body so stigmatized now? Free the nipple! 

It was the 29th day after he'd set out and he'd reached Scotland. All was going well, very little breeze so he didn't need to worry about a coat and the country smell was so refreshing, much better for the lungs than the stuffy atmosphere in central London. Even just thinking about it made Phil's chest tighten from years of living the busy bee lifestyle that was London.

He sat down on a dry patch of grass, where the sun was landing on it oh so graciously, grabbing his bottle of water and drinking a few drops. Just another twenty minutes and he'd reach the next bed and breakfast he could stay at to rest and recuperate for a few hours sleep and a meal.

But, plans change. Particularly when one is faced with the law.

A police car stopped right where Phil was sat, with his manhood on hanging lane between his legs on the grass. Two officers were sat in the front and the one not driving the car stepped out and reached his hand out for Phil to take it. Phil grabbed his hand, letting himself be pulled up.

"Sir, I'm Officer Howell, my associate waiting in the car is Officer McKnight. We've had multiple complaints about a nude man, he fits your description".

"How were they describing me? 6ft God? Skinny legend? Really long di-"

"Sir, I'm going to need you to come down to the station". The officer cut Phil off, turning Phil around and placing cuffs on him.

He'd say how kinky this was but he hated the cold metal against his backside. He just wanted to sleep and rest. Apparently his brain and mouth didn't get the memo.

"Cuffs? Ooh, I prefer vanilla but I'll try other flavours, Howell". Phil whispered, adding a wink and a little lick of his lips. 

"Officer Howell to you". He coughed, going red faced trying to push Phil's bare cheeks into the back seat of the police car.

"Dan, 24 hour cell?". The policewoman in the car whispered in the strongest Scottish accent Phil has ever heard. Officer Howell, or Dan as Phil now knows, nodded his head and put his seat belt on. 

And then Phil let himself be driven away to the police station.

**  
After being checked in and searched (which really didn't take long, where would he hide a weapon? In his ass?), Phil was taken to the cells. For one night. A whole frigging night.

It was about an hour after being locked in the cold cell the officer from before came and checked on him. 

"I'm actually not allowed to do this Mr Lester, but it's freezing and you're just sat there with, well, nothing on". Dan said, bringing Phil a shirt one size too short, a pair of shorts, a blanket and a hot cup of tea.

Phil reluctantly put the clothes on, knowing it was just best to comply and sat back on the hard bed, this time clutching the hot mug between his numb fingers. "I'm more of a coffee guy, but thanks". Phil smiled, letting Dan the officer leave in peace.

Phil drank his tea and lay down, with thoughts of tomorrow, new days and nudity. Much nudity.

**

The next day brought a new much shorter officer to process his release and formal warning and then he was free. 

Phil took himself to a small cafe to feed up and then he stripped off the t-shirt and shorts that lovely officer gave him and placed his jacket back on; it was nippy outside.

Time to start his journey back up before the sun went down.

**  
Unfortunately, God must hate Phil.

He made it to a beach before he was stopped again, and for some fucked up reason he decided he could out walk the car, so he walked faster to avoid the police.

The walking turned into a jog and then he was running. Phil never was much of an athlete and so when tripped on a dislodged pebble, scratching his knee and chin, he wasn't the surprised. He always was a grade A klutz.

The police car stopped it's blaring lights and siren, and out came Officer Howell again. 

"What did we tell you yesterday, Mr Lester?", Dan questioned, locking the cuffs around Phil for the second time. 

"Wash after sex?", Phil shrugged, already getting used to the clang of cold metal against metal and his wrists.

Dan pushed Phil into the back of the cop car and then told his partner to drive. "We picked him up yesterday?" The female police officer commented, driving back to the station and through where Phil had just been walking all afternoon. 

Dan led him through to the station and processed him. "If you could put the clothes back on I gave you yesterday that'd be great, thanks". He said, sat at a desk and not taking his eyes off the table. 

Phil huffed and ripped his backpack open, pulling the dastardly shorts. "I'll put the shorts on, but my nips are staying out".

Dan waited until Phil had pulled his shorts on and sat down until he looked back up at him. "Respectively, Mr Lester, I think you'd find your... nips should be clothed too".

Phil raised his left eyebrow, "That shirt just rubs against them and causing them to become erect and quite painful" Phil said, matter-of-factly, seeing Dan coughing and taking a big swig of his water Phil decided to elaborate. "Unless, of course, you enjoy seeing me in pain. Masochistic". Phil smiled. 

Dan shook his head "Can you tell me why you were wondering around the village naked, again?". Dan asked, pen and paper in hand. 

"It's... nice. Invigorating. I'm just trying to walk through Scotland nude and I'm being stopped by a rather pretty, probably not single, police officer called Daniel Howell". 

Dan blushed, writing down bits here and there in his notepad. "It's Dan. Not Daniel". He said quietly, covering the 'iel' part of the badge. 

"Dan Howell". Phil said, liking the feeling of his name in his mouth (he'd settle for the feel of his name if he couldn't get something else).

"Do you understand the law in Scotland prohibits public nudity?". Dan asked. Phil sighed, pulling out of his daydream and back to reality.

"No". Phil said, scratching the hairs on his chest, a little too close to his nipple. Dan looked at his hand before looking back up to Phil's eyes. 

"I trust that now you are aware, we won't have anymore incidents like this one?". Dan asked. Phil nodded and Dan figured that was it, Phil had learnt his lesson.

Another night in the cells and then he would be released and out of Dan's life. 

Leaving Phil in the cells with a mug of coffee and two slices of toast he figured that would be the end of it. A hard bed should be enough of a deterrent for any man.

**

Or so he thought. Dan clocked in the next day for the night shift (drunk and disorderly shift it was nicknamed) and he got the shock of his life when his first case was one Philip Lester. 

Not again. 

"You just can't keep away, can you?". Dan commented, a small smile hidden behind his professional front. 

Phil smiled "The hospitality keeps me coming back, and of course that beautiful face of yours". 

"So, can you explain to me what happened in your words?". Dan said, looking at the weird plastic sheet they'd wrapped around Phil. He must've denied clothes.

"I was walking towards a school and the police arrested me. They think I'm a paedophile". Phil huffed, pulling the plastic wrapping down so it just about covered his legs. 

"Does sound suspicious...", Dan unhelpfully commented. 

"No, I didn't know there was a school down that street and it wasn't even bloody school time! It was 7pm". Phil explained. 

Dan nodded, reading from the sheet in front of him "And you resisted arrest?". 

Phil grimaced, "Errr. I mean, yeah. I ran from them and hid in a bush". 

"Right, well. I've been told to obtain you for two days, and can I ask again where the clothes are I gave you?". Dan asked, scribbling on his notepad. Maybe he wrote that Mr Lester had very lovely eyes, no one would know because it's his notepad. 

"My bag, which I dropped before the two police officers manhandled me in the back of their car". Phil mumbled. 

Dan took Phil to his cell where he'd be for the next two days, which is probably the longest time they can legally keep his naked ass in there. 

Later, when Dan took his break he went back to the place where Phil had been chased down, low and behold - Phil's bag was still there, caught in a bush with his contents still inside and intact.

If Dan put the bag in the prisoner's storage for Phil to get back when released well, he was just being the kind police officer the community needed, making sure a deviant, naked Phil Lester wasn't roaming the streets.

**

Two days later, which Dan could lie and say didn't stretch due to the fact he wasn't at work and so didn't get to see Phil, he can say he was slightly happy to find Phil asleep on the hard bed he was given, surrounded by an empty mug and plate. Oh, and he was completely starkers. 

His plastic sheet had been ditched to the corner of the room at some point and the thin blanket they had provided for the cool nights was being used to cover Phil's head. The sunlight at 5am and the horrible noises from other prisoners must have led him to try and block it all out.

But now Dan was faced with an issue. With his legs being completely wide open, Phil's dick was staring at him. Like, Dan could've sworn the head was pointing towards him. 

Instead of dwelling on Phil's penis, he got back to work and woke Phil up to sign him out. He touched his shoulder and whistled with a greeting, "Morning, Mr Lester". 

Phil pulled the cover off his head and opened his eyes. "And little Mr Lester". Dan added, testing the waters. 

Phil rolled his eyes with a tired smile and got up, popping his back and stretching his arms out. 

"These beds aren't made for tall boys like me". Phil yawned, rubbing his face and feeling the soreness seep into his limbs. 

Dan smiled sadly, "Well, let that be a lesson". Phil nodded and followed Dan out the cell. 

As soon as Dan had processed Phil's release, Phil was ready to go. "Oh, hang on". Dan said, and then a minute later returned with Phil's backpack. 

"You got my backpack?". Phil asked, eyes lit up. He threw his shorts, top and the coat on (even though he knew he would be stripping them off very soon). "Thanks.. that's. Yeah, thanks". Phil smiled.

Dan let him go and figured that would be the last of Phil Lester - the nude traveller.

It was a few days later after Dan had finished his shift, no longer a police officer as it were, and he saw him again. 

Phil was walking along the beach where Dan had stopped him the second time and he was, yet again, completely naked. 

Dan stopped his car and pulled into the small parking area for the beach, hoping for the darkness to conceal his car - it was nearing midnight. 

Dan quietly walked up to Phil - "This is almost comical now". Dan said, Phil shot around to see Dan following him. He hadn't even heard him on the sand. 

"What do you mean?", Phil asked, continuing walking along the beach. 

"You being a nudist in a town that hates all that".

"The whole town hates nudity?". Phil stopped, turning around to face Dan. Except, Dan isn't good on his feet and wasn't noticing that Phil was stopping and so knocked into him and they both landed in the sand. 

"Oops". Dan whispered, his nose touching Phil's nose. 

"I would say let's just stay here but your knee is threateningly close to my penis". Phil breathed, trying to remain calm when Dan was just laying on top of his body. 

Dan's cheeks went a bright blush colour, and he picked himself up carefully, brushing the sand off his trousers. 

"Am I being arrested then, officer?", Phil smiled, holding his wrists up while he was still laying down in the sand. 

"I'm off duty". Dan shrugged, taking Phil's wrists to help him up. 

"Really? But I do enjoy you putting those handcuffs on me". Phil said, licking his chapped lips. Dan hummed in response. "So what are we going to do, officer? Can't have my deviant bare ass wondering around, can we?". 

Dan nodded, "I suppose not". Dan led Phil back to his car and put him in the front seat. 

Dan drove, getting more and more nervous and the he pulled up, outside his own house. "This isn't a police station, Dan". Phil said, looking smug.

"Well, my beds comfier, Phil". Dan whispered. Phil leaned over, pressing a light kiss to Dan's mouth.

"I preferred it when you called me Mr Lester". 

The End.


End file.
